I am so used to moving/changing/moving on.

I’m getting anxious. I’ve been here too long. Whats next? Whats new? What is there to get excited about?

I feel like this at work. Why didn’t I apply to transfer?

I feel like this driving through LA. Why am I still here?

I feel like this when I’m at home. Why am I still living here?

I feel antsy. I need a change. I’ve moved every year/two years of my life. And since I was 14, each year has been dramatically different from the one before it.

So do I really need to move on? Or, has it just become a habit that has dug itself into my internal clock.  I wonder if I’ll ever be able to stay in one place for too long. But is that even something that I want?

I feel like life is meant to change, and change often. I embrace the change. Its this stagnancy that makes me anxious, not change that most people dread.

Today I was driving through the campus of my Alma Mater. Oh that’s where Christina used to live, that’s where Jake used to live. That was an awesome time! But this, where I am now? This is so dismal.

I think people look back and miss the good old days because they don’t like where they are at in their current life. And that’s where I am.

I’m ready for a change. To feel excited about my life again.

I guess my main frustration is that everything has always worked itself out. The right thing (school/job/volunteer opportunity) has always just presented itself to me, often times, randomly. These are always the things that have worked out best in my life. Then other things happen that make me feel like I’m in the right place, that I’m meant to be somewhere. But that hasn’t happened in a while… A long while. Which makes me feel like maybe I’m not where I’m supposed to be. Questioning this, I keep looking for my serendipitous moment.

I keep saying, Show me a sign! Where am I supposed to be?

I keep fighting where I am so much. I feel like a fish thrashing and fighting to get out of this river that is steadily going in one direction. Not really rushing, white capped water, just flowing strong and steady enough to wear you down.

And then, tired and frustrated I think, maybe I’m not getting results because this is where I am supposed to be. Maybe I just need to go with the flow and see where it takes me.

With grad school applications in the last couple of months, my life has been all about questioning what I want. Now that the application process is coming to a close, I feel more uncertain than ever.

Its frustrating to be in this place where you no longer know what you want, but you’re not happy where you are either.

This stage of life is so confusing:
I’m older, but I’m still young.
I want a career and stability but I’d love to travel and live abroad again too.
I want to enjoy my life, but I don’t want to “waste time”.
I love crime, but an MSW is so practical.
I have so many close friends in LA/there is so much to do, but I really don’t feel a connection with this city.

In the end, I just want to live without regrets. I want to feel that I didn’t waste any part of my life. That I didn’t focus so hard on one aspect of my life, that I missed other important things. That I didn’t turn down any opportunities that came my way. That I did what was best for me at that particular time. That I experienced everything as much as I could. That I did everything right.

To be continued…