I’m very good at first dates… and when I say that, I mean only having first dates. I go on a lot of first dates.
I think this is for a few reasons. I think because my life has been so unfocused lately, or at least it seems that way to me, I come off as unfocused. Like I don’t know what I want. I think that also, I tend to tell too much too soon. Like I have these insecurities and I need to declare them at the beginning so they know what they’re getting into.
The other day, Cassie and I were talking about her divorce and when to bring it up in terms of dating. Probably not the first date we concluded. Maybe not even the second. But because it’s something she’s insecure about, its something that she likes to get out of the way right from the start. Sort of like my living arrangements or current employer.
So for the first date, I didn’t bring up any of that- unless he asked (There’s a difference between hiding something and it coming up naturally, we concluded). And honestly, I feel more focused about my life in general- I’m going back to school in the Fall and am currently looking for positions at nonprofits so that Cassie and I can move in together at the end of the year after her ARMY training. I have a plan-finally. And so I think I already had sort of a head start in that sense too.
As a result, the first date went really well and this past Friday I had my first second date in a long time. A really long time.
And quite honestly, if we’re being rational, so far he’s been nothing but perfect.
However there is still something in me that still struggles. Would someone else be better? Do we have a connection? Is he boring?
So I’ve been looking at those questions.
Someone else who? I’m just making up people that I haven’t even met yet. That don’t actually exist.
Dating is different than falling into a relationship. It’s only the second date!
And stable job does not equal boring.
The boring thing really gets me. I think that in part its that my life has always been anything but stable. I’ve gone to 10 schools and had more than 18 residences by the time I graduated from high school. My parents divorced when I was 6, I switched which parent I was living with at 16, I’ve changed housing and cities every year since I went to college… I mean, there has seriously been nothing stable about my life… but it’s fun! And its what I used to. So maybe when I look at him, someone who has worked for the same company for 6 years, and lived in the same apartment for 3, I think, Wow, that must be so boring.
Ironically though, that is what I’m striving for: Not moving, finding a job where I can grow and make a decent income.
I feel like this year I am starting a new chapter. I’m looking for that job that I know would be great, I’m starting grad school and I’m moving out on my own again. I’m taking back my life in a way. And so maybe its time for me to forget about all that past and lose those insecurities. Be confident in being the good person that I am and confident in my future as well. Maybe I need to relish in my door being opened, being told I’m pretty and actually be open to something. Just like I’m being content in my present but open for my future, be content when I’m with him and open to the possibility of future good times with him as well (and if not him him, then some him).
So.
This is the beginning of the rest of my life (I guess every day is) but I really feel like I’m starting a new chapter. And maybe I need to open up to things people outside of myself too.
Btw, our third date is next Saturday :)
