But I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

I think I’m always going to want more, want something else, want something new.

Growth.

I think that those moments of contentment are rare. I think they are powerful moments to know that you are on the right track.

I’ve felt this recently spending time with friends in the City that I’ve longed to be in for so long.

Those moments are brief but so fulfilling.

I’m on the right track.

I still want more… a greater sense of purpose.

I still want something different… a new job… or an internship… or a scholarship.

I still want something new… doing things I’ve never done before… having new experiences.

I want to grow, change, experience…

I don’t think I’ll ever be completely happy…

But I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

There’s always room to grow.

I’ve been dating Eddie for a little over two months now and who would have guessed, I really like him.

I mean, who else is going to wake up at 5:30 a.m. on his day off to cook you breakfast because you have to be at work at 7 on a Saturday? Eggs, chicken sausage, toast, coffee and a salad…

Who else is going to suggest a picnic on the last day before he leaves for a conference in Chicago, then take you to your favorite rice pudding shop?

Who else is going to call you any chance he gets from Chicago because he loves you, misses you, wishes you were there…

Who else WANTS to be the guy that buys your tampons?

Looks like distance really does make the heart grow fonder.

Eddie, come home <3

Between work, moving in, nesting, and spending time with Eddie, I just really haven’t done anything FUN.

That’s not to say that Eddie isn’t fun. I think it’s more that I haven’t done anything on my own in a while. Nothing for me. And Eddie is everywhere. Which I like, but getting used to spending your time- YOUR time, with someone else is tiring. Figuring out where he fits in when you’re hanging out with your friends for example… figuring out where YOU fit in. This whole relationship thing is new and well, I’m still feeling it out.

I think that two things… well, three need to happen.

One, I need to do some things on my own. Just for me. Bike rides, cafes, spending time with friends- just friends. Tonight for example, I’m going to yoga. Alone. Even though someone else (*ahem* Eddie) might be inclined to join in.

I think the other thing that I have to do is to be myself in friend dynamics, not part of a couple. Because really, who wants to hang out with a couple? And also, it’s DRAINING to be constantly thinking about the other person. I don’t enjoy myself the way I know I should.

All of that being said, I can only see all of this adding to my relationship. Making it lighter, more carefree which, during all this adjustment, commuting, stress… would really make it so much more satisfying and FUN.

The third thing relates to the first. I need a new job. I need a schedule that I can plan for. So I can volunteer, join a team etc. I also need a pay increase so that I can afford to be on said team and join the rock climbing gym by my house.

Also, I think that coming from a place of, “wanting more out of my life” is such a better place to be looking for a job than the normal “I hate my job” thing. I don’t, really. It’s just preventing me from living the life that I want to live.

So, I’m going to yoga tonight- alone- so I can simultaneously align my goals and my spine with some sun salutations. Namaste!

A really long time.

I think mostly because I was so unhappy. And really, who wants to write over and over again about how much they dislike their life in spite of all the wonderful things and people in it. I didn’t want a record of this ongoing saga of being miserable and stuck yet doing nothing to change my situation. And honestly, I couldn’t change it. I was unhappy with the fundamentals, and until those could change, I knew I wouldn’t be happy. Really happy. Deep down happy.

And then it happened- change, that is.

And here I am today, atop a roof on a crystal clear day, sitting on the lap and cuddling up to the person that loves to hold me, with the Golden Gate Bridge casting it’s shining image in the background.

How much things have changed, I thought.

My eyes may have welled a bit.

It all happened on a whim. Sometimes the things you want are so much closer than you think.

Three weeks after the oh-maybe… moment, I was living in the city that I had been longing after for for three years.

And honestly, it couldn’t have happened a second sooner. Things just fell into place.

Three months ago, I was sitting in my misery. Disappointed in myself, my lack of ambition and my cowardice to follow my dreams.

Today I’m here. In my own apartment. My apartment. Living with three awesome people that I didn’t even knew existed three months ago. Spending time with friends I haven’t been able to see on a consistent basis in years. Making new friends and fitting in like.a.glove.

Here I am in my first relationship in four years. Why invest in something if I don’t plan on staying? That was my internal monologue of the last few years. But I’m here for the long run, and he’s in it with me. He’s told me so.

And who could ask for more than any of that? Sure I miss the things about LA that I really do love. Most of all I wish that some people weren’t so far away. But I know, at the same time, they will remain constants in my life regardless of distance, life stages etc.

And now I’m following my heart.

I did it!

And that is so fulfilling.

The bar is still filling in with other zombies while the co-worker is a dinner and making his way to the bar. Christina (my Berrie), and I head to the bar for our second round of drinks and strike up a conversation with two Daves that seem to be on their way out. We get to talking though, and the two Daves stay. Both of the Daves are helicopter pilots. Dave 2 is from Florida, and married. Dave one is British, originally from Manchester, but lives in Sydney Australia. Its been 12 hours since he arrived for the first time ever, in America.

Dave 1 and I hit it off. Two more rounds and two victorious games of pool later, we’re sneaking kisses and working out when we can see each other again.

Would you fancy being my tour guide? I would love to take you out to a nice dinner, have some wine. Anywhere you want. You choose.

By some other twist of fate, someone else needed to switch shifts the following night, Sunday, freeing me up be a tour guide to a charming Aussie Brit.

The night is exceptional. The city is beautiful, dinner is fabulous and the pub next door, the one that serves a beer from his native Manchester is spot on.

If you would have told me 48 hours ago that I would be sitting in Downtown LA, with you, drinking a Boddingtons, I wouldn’t have believed it. But I’m glad I’m here.

The night ended with us showing each other pictures of our friends and family as well as a delicious cup of tea.

Dave: When can I see you again?
LR/IM: Wednesday?
Dave: But we only have five days…
LR/IM: Tomorrow?
Dave: Tomorrow!

We made plans to see each other the next day, Monday. Later into the day though, figuring that I was working late and he had an early flight in the morning, Dave said that maybe we should just see each other on Tuesday.

I was disappointed, but I didn’t let him know.

Tuesday comes and as we’re driving to dinner, he looks at me and says something that I’ll never forget.

You know, I think I made a mistake in not seeing you last night. I really missed you and we only have 5 days and I want to see you as much as I possibly can.

I moved in. Seriously, that’s what we called it. He started it.

It didn’t matter that the curtains were made of polyester and that there was no kitchen. I swear to goodness it felt like home. We spent the next four days spending every last second together. We went to shows in LA, late night Mexican food, he met my friends- telling them that he felt like we’ve known each other for months, not days.

We have everything in common. From education and lifestyle, to independence and clothing donations…

For the first time, I met someone that I could not see an expiration date with despite the fact that he lives on the other side of the world! For the first time, I saw someone with whom I could live a life with.

We made rules:
No talking about him leaving.
A quick goodbye at the airport.
and
If we ever live in Los Angeles, we need to live in a neighborhood where we can walk everywhere- His words, not mine.

As we were driving to the airport he said, you know the ironic part about all of this is that I am extremely picky and we live on opposite sides of the world.

You’re picky? I said, I’ve been single for three and a half years!

The thing is, I’ve always been told that I’m too picky. That I should give people a chance. But you know what? Its not true. I’ll know when someone suits me well, and Dave is the proof in that.

So instead of wishing for something that I couldn’t have, I read a whole book cover to cover, watched TED talks and chatted with friends. It was the best thing, I realize, that I could have done that day given all the circumstances at hand.

So I’m having this realization that you need to do what’s best for you right where you are, at that moment. I know this is obvious and something that I talk about with my friends but I’m applying it to my life instead of merely philosophizing.

That night I was talking to my friend Brad about life and being where you are etc. He was talking about staying away from phrases like, “things would be so much better if…” and then he said something, that was much more profound than I think he realized:

Brad: I know when I think “things would be so much better if…”
Brad: it’s always if I just establish my career
Brad: if I get my break, everything will be much better
Brad: does it have to do with finding a career?
Brad: I don’t picture you as someone that is ready to settle into a career

LR/IM: no?
LR/IM: how do you picture me?

Brad: hmmm
Brad: I picture you as someone that wants to do a million things
Brad: and not have a reason to live in the same place

Which is exactly how I feel about myself. Exactly.

I’ve been struggling a lot recently with the whole why-am-I-not-a-successful-career-woman-yet quarter life crisis. Hearing this from someone like Brad was a huge relief. Here is someone that I didn’t meet in high school or college when I had a master plan and all the answers to make it happen. Here is someone who met me right here, in this stage of life when I don’t know where I’m going. Yet he still values me and the life I’m leading. He sees it probably clearer than I see it myself; an outside perspective on a life I should be proud of.

I have the best friends in the world. And they accept me for all of this too. I am their Twinsie, their Berrie and their science project partner from 5th grade. But it also helps so much to have a new friend, like Brad see you just the way that you see yourself. I guess I’m living more authentically than I thought. Maybe I just need to own it more.

For the longest time, I’ve been trying to shake this feeling that I’m not meeting my potential. That I could be doing so much more- something that not only would be more fulfilling to myself but to others as well. Somehow, I just feel like I should be doing something else.

As much as I try to be comfortable where I am, I just can’t be. I know that I’m settling.

And there’s all this tralala that says, you’re right where you’re supposed to be. But you know what, I just can’t come to terms with that. If I’m right where I’m supposed to be, I’m only here to get angry to make something else happen.

So what am I to do? Follow my passion? But what if I still have NO CLUE what I’m passionate about?

Not a clue!

Sure I like things, and yes, I pursue them but an actual passion? Something that I could spend all my time doing if I were given the opportunity? Not a clue. I guess I’ve never really been an extreme person but still, not one single passion? Am I broken?

And I only say that because I feel like I’m missing something. If I were happy where I was, if I didn’t have this NAGGING FEELING that doesn’t leave me alone for more than a few days at a time, then maybe I wouldn’t be so worried about what I’m passionate about- about what else I could be doing. Instead though, I have this unshakable feeling that I should be doing something else.

The thing is that this something else doesn’t exist in the future. There is no comfort in knowing I’m going to grad school which will lead to something down the road, there is no comfort in the future because I’m fairly certain that I should be doing that other thing RIGHT NOW. But what is it??

I recently met someone as well. And his future would be perfect for my future as well. I would love to do all the things that he talks about! But again, even hoping that works out, it is so far in the future that I’m still sitting here, scratching my head, wondering what I’m supposed to be doing RIGHT NOW.

I wish that that path would just reveal itself to me. C’mon, a little help over here? And not just reveal itself like, hey, this is what you should be doing, but be like, HEY THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING and Oh, here’s a lot little help to get you there!

I know this is safe. I know this is settling. I know there is something else. But WHAT?  I like change. I’m open to new possibilities. I can take a risk (I think).  But I need something to be worth that risk. I assume that is my passion. C’mon, don’t just give me a hint, SMACK ME IN THE FACE WITH IT. Please. I’m going crazy.

Anyway, she was talking about how her life was on hold until grad school: gyms, work, apartment etc.

She was putting her life on hold like I had been putting mine on hold until I figured out where I was headed. Like I had been putting mine on hold for the last two years.

The last two years have been such a struggle. I have been humbled immensely by my current occupation and living arrangements. This isn’t where I thought I would be right now and so I was waiting, waiting to start my life until those things came into place.

But two weeks ago I joined a gym. I joined a gym and made plans to run a half marathon. I joined a gym, made plans to run a half marathon and broke things off with someone that I should have dated because he was perfect, but chose not to because he was not perfect for me.

I took control of my life again.

Hey LR/IM, how about you have some fun before you start school and regret not enjoying all this free time a little more?

Then I went to an Italian speakers meet up where I met new people. I also emailed to see if I could volunteer with this program on the Westside. In between those things, I have bought tickets for a panel that I am so looking forward to, threw down for an amazing four-course dinner, finished up what I needed to for Fall admission next year, spent time with my family, exercised and signed up to be apart of a flash mob!

I began to make a serious commitment to the things that I really value in life. New challenges, new experiences, things that I feel would make my life richer and instead of waiting for that perfect time, I did them.

For so long, the two major components of my life have been things that I have been insecure about. But you know what is interesting? As I fill my life with all these other things: the gym, Italian, volunteer work, those other things? those other big things? shrink. Because my life becomes about so much more than those two things.

Instead of my life being about work and home, my life is now about exercising, half marathons, cooking, reading, speaking Italian, meeting up with friends more often, Mindshares, Art Walks, First Fridays, flash mobs, grad school, crossing things off my Life List and sososo much more.

There is much to be said about actively participating in your own life.

1. The Girl Who Played With Fire (Steig Larsson)
2. Gang Leader For A Day (Sudhir Venkatesh)
3. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (Stieg Larsson)
4. Freakonomics (Steven Levitt)
5. The Hobbit (J.R. Tolkien)
6. The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao (Junot Diaz)
7. Siddhartha (Hermann Hesse)
8. The Pilgrimage (Paulo Coelho)
9. Mind Hunters (John Douglas)
10. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho) (again)
11. Lovely Bones (Alice Seabold)

I think this is for a few reasons. I think because my life has been so unfocused lately, or at least it seems that way to me, I come off as unfocused. Like I don’t know what I want. I think that also, I tend to tell too much too soon. Like I have these insecurities and I need to declare them at the beginning so they know what they’re getting into.

The other day, Cassie and I were talking about her divorce and when to bring it up in terms of dating. Probably not the first date we concluded. Maybe not even the second. But because it’s something she’s insecure about, its something that she likes to get out of the way right from the start. Sort of like my living arrangements or current employer.

So for the first date, I didn’t bring up any of that- unless he asked (There’s a difference between hiding something and it coming up naturally, we concluded).  And honestly, I feel more focused about my life in general- I’m going back to school in the Fall and am currently looking for positions at nonprofits so that Cassie and I can move in together at the end of the year after her ARMY training. I have a plan-finally. And so I think I already had sort of  a head start in that sense too.

As a result, the first date went really well and this past Friday I had my first second date in a long time. A really long time.

And quite honestly, if we’re being rational, so far he’s been nothing but perfect.

However there is still something in me that still struggles. Would someone else be better? Do we have a connection? Is he boring?

So I’ve been looking at those questions.

Someone else who? I’m just making up people that I haven’t even met yet. That don’t actually exist.

Dating is different than falling into a relationship. It’s only the second date!

And stable job does not equal boring.

The boring thing really gets me. I think that in part its that my life has always been anything but stable. I’ve gone to 10 schools and had more than 18 residences by the time I graduated from high school. My parents divorced when I was 6, I switched which parent I was living with at 16, I’ve changed housing and cities every year since I went to college… I mean, there has seriously been nothing stable about my life… but it’s fun! And its what I used to. So maybe when I look at him, someone who has worked for the same company for 6 years, and lived in the same apartment for 3, I think, Wow, that must be so boring.

Ironically though, that is what I’m striving for: Not moving, finding a job where I can grow and make a decent income.

I feel like this year I am starting a new chapter. I’m looking for that job that I know would be great, I’m starting grad school and I’m moving out on my own again. I’m taking back my life in a way. And so maybe its time for me to forget about all that past and lose those insecurities. Be confident in being the good person that I am and confident in my future as well. Maybe I need to relish in my door being opened, being told I’m pretty and actually be open to something. Just like I’m being content in my present but open for my future, be content when I’m with him and open to the possibility of future good times with him as well (and if not him him, then some him).

So.

This is the beginning of the rest of my life (I guess every day is) but I really feel like I’m starting a new chapter. And maybe I need to open up to things people outside of myself too.

Btw, our third date is next Saturday :)